surviving a histrionic parent

Researchers have found that even young children with mothers suffering from BPD display a shameful and incongruent sense of self, heightened fear of abandonment, and difficulties creating stable relationships. Until they become more self-aware and join the human race, they will continue to cause significant damage to others and themselves. For example, if someone congratulated you for winning a soccer trophy, your parent/s would butt in and say something along the lines of, Yes, she gets it from me. Do you share a talent or interest? I told you before I will NEVER, NEVER COME BACK! If they dont get the special attention they believe they deserve by being the superficial charmer, they may suddenly change tone and become the hostile aggressor. Mayo Clinic. A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Towards the Higher Self. And that strength -- once you find it -- can stay with you. Narcissism in Relationships: How to Deal When a Toxic Relationship Damages Your Self-Esteem, Toxic Relationship Recovery: Deciding Who You Want to Be After Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships and Narcissism: Stages of Gaslighting, 121 Things Narcissists Say When They Are Gaslighting You, Believe it or not: This is THE Most Soul-Crushing Part of Narcissistic Abuse, books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel, trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching, SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups, coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com. Likely, you were very aware of this ploy but kept silent for fear of wrath from your parent/s. Dealing with someone with a personality disorder can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted. For people with HPD, their self-esteem depends on the approval of others and does not arise from a true feeling of self-worth. I see you. See, mistreating scumbags feels good, doesn't it? I cant live without you. This made it impossible for you to live an autonomous life or establish independent priorities other than catering to the needs of your parent/s. You must also remember that you cannot expect your parent to change. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Think about when the two of you shine. Welcome! As a result, many people cannot get help because they consider themselves crazy, but nothing like that is written in the articles. Often children feel unheard, unknown, and used by their narcissistic parent, says Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker in Towson, MD. When confronted with irrational behavior, remove yourself from the situation. In other words, while you might suspect that there is something off with your parents, you feel ashamed to think about them in such a way, and you tend to start beating yourself up instead. I mean it this time. I loved to love, and you used it as some selfish game.it felt empty giving to you .how could you not feel or see the hurt and humiliation you caused. A child of a parent with a disorder will often suffer from feelings of guilt and obligation. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. Prepare and practice statements like I have to get going, Mom, or Well have to just agree to disagree.. You should stop making kids and take care of the ones you already have. I was a fool to keep trying to convince you that I was on your side. As such, they may misinterpret comments or gestures, even when benign or helpful to them. Differences between feeling depressed or feeling blue. Keep your Distance. Everyone has ups and downs in life. These roles could have also switched frequently. We have been there and we can help you heal. Please read this carefully. (100% secure.). Some histrionic narcissists are adept at switching between positive and negative emotions. My life is 100 percent better without you. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases, this means whenever you buy a book on Amazon from a link on this website, we receive a small percentage of its price at no extra cost to you. You idealise us, then you devalue us Then you discard us when we no fuel your insatiable ego. It is still there, waiting for you to access. ." and knock it off. I also know this: A new tenderness can emerge once we get over the ickiness. Between 6 and 10 million people in the US suffer from borderline personality disorder. They overwhelm their victims with intense negative drama (going nuclear), browbeating their victims with the hope of getting what they want. Your mother may not see herself as wrong or her behavior as bad. All refunds will start processing in January. They have an overwhelming desire to be noticed, and often behave dramatically or inappropriately to get attention.. If you have children, she may work hard to become your parenting partner, even if it means pushing aside the other parent. You tried to break me. Youd do well to move further down than Brighton babeI suggest you go back to Hell. It is possible to move beyond the hurt you have (or still are) experiencing. I hope one day you can look back and smile that someone loved you from the bottom of his heart and I hope one day you can heal from whatever wounds caused you to act the way you did. If you ever accidentally run into me anywhere turn and go the other direction. When we were children, we both suffered and benefited from her version of tough love: when we cried, we were "feeling sorry for ourselves." When you are confronted with this type of behavior during a custody exchange or parenting communication, try to exhibit the following behaviors: If you know the proper way to react to the irrational behaviors of a person suffering from a psychological disorder, you will be better equipped to deal with the ups and downs of co-parenting with them. Growing up with her for both my brother and I was a nightmare. It is only by exposing the roots of your emotional obstacles that you can remove them and move forward with your life. Im quite lost in finding the meaning of their constant tantrums, smear campaigns and legal threats. Aletheia is a prolific psychospiritual writer, author, educator, and guide whose work has touched the lives of millions worldwide. Well I make no apology, instead, I thank you , I thank you for appearing on my path to reflect that truth. Build your community. Surviving Narcissistic Abuse: 65 Things You Might Say to Your Narcissist If You Could. This disorder can be treated successfully via psychotherapeutic interventions. ", Now my friend visits once a week. Co-parenting a child with a divorced spouse is difficult enough, but what do you do when your divorced spouse is diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder? The International Journal of Psychoanalysis. You have a drinking problem and act like a little annoying kid when you drink. As you age and are exposed to increasingly complex emotional, interpersonal, and functional demands, the disturbances caused by your mothers BPD become even more fully articulated, often leading to a profound psychological crisis. Whether she is correct and the destabilization will be temporary, or this will be just another draining chapter of the drama, time will tell. Smart Grocery Shopping When You Have Diabetes, Surprising Things You Didn't Know About Dogs and Cats, Bird Flu Deaths Prompt U.S. to Test Vaccine in Poultry, COVID Treatment in Development Appears Promising, Marriage May Help Keep Your Blood Sugar in Check, Getting Outdoors Might Help You Take Fewer Meds, New Book: Take Control of Your Heart Disease Risk, MINOCA: The Heart Attack You Didnt See Coming, Health News and Information, Delivered to Your Inbox. This, combined with the unpredictability, impulsivity, and extremity of those with BPD, is extraordinarily detrimental to the establishment of a secure emotional base from which to grow and flourish. Surviving a Borderline Parent is the first step-by-step guide for adult children of parents with borderline personality disorder. Im happy again. As April, a woman who grew up with a mother who suffered from untreated BPD, says: [Parents] really are naturally your compass. Instead, focus on the things you can control. Unexpectedly, I ran across an exact description of her ailment earlier this week. They often target individuals whom they can exploit psychologically, emotionally, physically, sexually, materially, and/or financially. Why did you always pinch me under the table while dining with any members of your family? In this case, family life and it's inevitable conflict looks nothing like a T.V. Choose your words carefully. Unsubscribe at any time. Examples include insincere flattery, appeal to vanity and ego, fake friendliness and acceptance, exaggerated closeness and intimacy, promising positive rewards after dishing out negative treatment, etc. But narcissism is ongoing, chronic, and pathological. They never asked about your feelings, sympathized with you, or cared. Well, youre not quite 50 and youre pretty well retired. I was unable to work as she would be stricken with panic attacks in my absence and call 911. It was brought on by the abrupt death of someone very close to her and began with an inability to sleep, followed by extreme anxiety and depression. At Bridges to Recovery, we specialize in diagnosing and treating psychiatric and emotional issues such as borderline personality disorder. We are suppose to be a family which means the children need a mom and a dad. Im glad you are gone from my life, I could cry everyday forever from the relief of it. Well talk after you stop screaming at me.. Stay the hell away from me. They disrupt parties, family gatherings, and public events without batting an eye. I knew you were having an affair and you denied it. What this means is that they would deliberately make you feel crazy, or cause you to doubt your sanity, in order to gain the upper hand. Your parent may not understand what is an acceptable, reasonable and safe way to treat other people. These cookies do not store any personal information. Leave me alone. Why did you abandon me and our children? My father was emotionally withdrawn making him the perfect textbook mate for her. After reading through this list of symptoms you might still be unsure of how to define your parent/s. At its peak, she was entirely nonfunctional. As soon as you are used to being happy. If your mother is a narcissist, she may be emotionally manipulative and coercive, says Mark Ettensohn, PsyD, author of Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life. Because whatever I say will be turned in a convoluted way against me. You realize, OK, there is no mystery here. Somehow, whatever issue you faced as a child was spun into a pity party for, 11. The histrionic is noted by her compulsive need to be the center of attention at all times. I need you. They projected their bad behavior onto you, 18. And as the biological parameters are not well known there is no proper treatment either. Maybe youre planning a wedding but she refuses to come if you invite your father. They had a favorite or golden child, In your family, there was the golden child and the scapegoat child. My children's father was definitely a narcissistic, histrionic personality!!! This causes you to constantly doubt yourself and any feelings you have about them. Stop saying, she MADE me do it! (where it could be flying into a rage, projecting and totally denying YOU have any responsibilities for your actions!) The Collective Shadow: 5 Ways to Deepen Your Shadow Work, 15 Signs You Have Complicated Grief (a Spiritual Malady), 15 Signs Youre Experiencing a Spiritual Emergency, 27 Signs of a Toxic Relationship (Everything You Need to Know). She wanted to control me. Kimberly Perlin, licensed clinical social worker, Towson, MD. Are you, or were you, in a toxic relationship with a narcissist? Given that this has gone on for two years and may continue for an indefinite period of time, how do my brother and I position ourselves? The parent underestimates how harmful neglect is. If you are seeing signs of this disorder in your parent, you can seek help. One more thing: You need support. Mark Ettensohn, PsyD, author, Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life; assistant dean of student affairs and admissions, California Northstate University - College of Psychology, Sacramento, CA. And now i gotta love me first and heal myself. The desire for constant stimulation, instant gratification, and the tendency to be bored easily means some histrionic narcissists are unstable in their relationships, and unreliable in their commitments. No doctor has ever mentioned it, but I am certain this is exactly what it is -- the accuracy is eerie. Most likely you will be experiencing feelings of anger, depression and worthlessness. Look, nobody is going to agree with me, but ###$ it. If you continue to use our website, you are consenting to our use of cookies in accordance with our, Executive Compensation & Employee Benefits, Traditional Labor Relations & Collective Bargaining, Local Governments & Municipal Authorities, Post-Pandemic Custody Vaccination Disputes Remain a Hot Topic, In Loco Parentis Standing and Third-Party Custody Rights. Keep on trying to find me. These children may feel like they need to fend for themselves when surviving childhood. The dynamics of the parent-child relationship are organized around the mothers symptomatology; rather than understanding the child as an autonomous person with their own needs, desires, preferences, strengths, and weaknesses, the mother sees the child as a need-gratifying object. More likely she would accuse me of attacking her. No matter what your childhood was like, its still possible to heal and reunite with that source of unconditional joy, wonder and love inside. Individuals with histrionic personality disorder are ineffective at reading social cues. Find a good therapist who is trained in dealing withthese disorders. But it seems to be true: If these things are not gifts, what are they? You can be loving (or at least kind) but firm. You just balanced your mom's checkbook and wiped her ass and that's OK. Time to move on. Contact us to learn more about our renowned Los Angeles programs. This led to the development of constant self-doubt during your childhood, adolescence and present life. So, this is going to sound histrionic. You are entering the Histrionic Personality Disorder forum. Luna & Sol Pty Ltd 2012 - 2023 LonerWolf.com. We provide compassionate and effective care in a serene residential setting so clients can focus on their treatment and recovery without the worries of external pressures and stressors. Thanks for jeopardizing my HEALTH and my SANITY. Volume 2. International University Press. The thing about having a narcissistic mother and/or father is that you have been taught to believe that you are the crazy and imbalanced one, instead of them. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. The only thing that seems to have a chance of effectiveness on this disorder is long-term therapy (the one treatment in which she displays absolutely no interest). Obviously, the more issues you can say yes to, the more likely you can confirm (without a doubt) that you were raised by a narcissistic mother or father. Understanding Narcissisms Destructive Impact on Relationships An Indispensable Reader. This is liberating in its own twisted way. What Is Your True Color Personality Type? WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. After all you slowly stole my energy, my light, love and my soul. Here, the histrionic narcissist may instigate charm and seduction in order win over their targets (thereby controlling their attention and compliance). Share your own below what would YOU say to a narcissist, given the opportunity to force one to understand? I needed to forge a path of my own away from her influence and control, says Chandy, whos now a musician living in Indianapolis. As adults, we often play out these same coping mechanisms, often to our own detriment. Even Alex, a young woman who uses YouTube to share her experiences of growing up with a mother with BPD, says I dont want to make my mom look like a monster. This protective instinct can keep you silent and isolate you from the help you need. No surprise really. Your mother may not see you for who you are inside, aside from being an extension of her. I developed an eating disorder because I didnt know how to regulate how I felt. And when you know you have acted badly, it is ONLY in response to me and my behavior. She does it because she wants attention and needs to be involved in every decision. It's called histrionic personality disorder, and as briefly as possible, it is about needing a lot of attention and getting it with nonstop dramatic displays of emotion. Unlucky. Also visit: She believes thats the only way to deal with a narcissistic mother if your growth and happiness is a priority. Your soul can never be broken. I understand that it doesnt matter to you, but thank you for shining a light on MY flaws. Step away. Instead of being taught that I was a normal person going through normal things and had the power and ability to deal with them, I was taught that the things I was thinking or feeling were wrong. Im just so sad after 3 years of trying to follow all your critisisms i still wasnt good enough in your eyes. Plus she handles all the paperwork. Click on any of the linked articles in the list above to gain further guidance. There wasnt any private space to call your own growing up. The hate I feel for you is superseded only by the hate you feel for yourself. As a result, the very foundation of your formative psychosocial development may be compromised, leaving you vulnerable to ongoing psychological, behavioral, and interpersonal difficulties that interfere with your sense of self, quality of life, and capacity for joy. Youre a worthless piece of shit! These disorders are grouped into three clusters based on character symptoms and traits. 7 Things You Can Say To Trigger a Narcissist's Anger, How to Safely Leave the Narcissist: A Checklist of Things to, End Rumination Now: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching Program: Clear the Slate, SPAN (Support for People Affected by Narcissism in relationships) group. Children of mothers with BPD are also at heightened risk for exhibiting attention difficulties, aggressive behavior, and low self-esteem, in addition to major depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder itself. While she has regained marginal functionality, she goes up and down. The narrative you keep telling yourself that places blame on everyone else for how crappy your life is and the idea that you deserve so much better Its a lie. Online forums and support groups of adult children of parents with personality disorders can be great places to talk about what you have experienced and to be understood. If youre the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems: How many signs can you relate to? But there is a very good reason why youve come to this article. Create and maintain healthy boundaries. EDITED BY ADMIN: User was banned for advocating violence against others. Every day Im apart from you I grow stronger. I pity you. 25 years ago, you told me that you would retire by the time you were 50. The neutral sibling. We who have nursed our parents through dark and trying times have learned this also: You do have the strength to deal with it. All Rights Reserved. This action goes hand in hand with Number 1. Decide what behaviors you are not going to put up with and make it clear to your parent what the consequences will be. Before this crisis, she had personality issues, and as a result I've always hesitated to write this crisis entirely off to "mental illness," which would be something completely out of her control. Narcissistic traits run along a continuum, Perlin says. She already thinks I am too hard on her, because I call her on some of her other behaviors. Do you think I was always this way? Their general approach is to be emotional rather than rational, superficial rather than deep, and passive-aggressive rather than direct. Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Parenting the Parent: Caring for Elderly Parents, 10 Symptoms of Mental Illness in the Elderly, Depression in Elderly Adults: Signs, Symptoms, and Treatment, Best Meals and Dining in Senior Living Awards. If your mother is a narcissist, take these steps to manage your relationship: Set boundaries. I will do the same. Written by Kara Mayer Robinson Anju Chandy was 18 years old when she left her Bakersfield, CA, home for a college far away. You insides are so dark you darent look in, instead you live in the reflection of yourself in others. You quickly learn that your role is to satisfy your mothers demands, however unrealistic, unstable, and conflicting, and she often seeks to exert control and limit your autonomy as a frantic effort to avoid abandonment. Why do you feel the need to work so much? Keep in mind that theres a difference between narcissistic behavior (which only comes out every now and then) and narcissism. A main reason for the overly dramatic behavior (both negative and positive) of the histrionic narcissist is the insatiable desire for attention and approval. I hope this article supports your healing and growth. She has sought help from many quarters but is stymied by the fact that she has little money and cannot afford insurance, by the fact that she lives alone, and also because there is only so much the mental-health industry can do for anyone. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The act of revenge is only token, theres no way you could summ up all of those years of torment in one misdeed. They may have told you, Ive done so much for you, Ive sacrificed everything for you. As a result, you felt indebted to them and as though you owed them complete obedience. Copyright 2023 A Place for Mom, Inc. All Rights Reserved. My only true mistake was staying for so long hoping things would be different. The entrenched nature of these disorders often means that the person suffering from them isn't aware that change can occur and, as such, may not work toward that goal. Narcissism is ongoing, chronic, and often behave dramatically or inappropriately to get attention their... Spanily narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, SPANily... That 's OK. Time to move beyond the hurt you have ( or at least kind ) but firm even... 'S checkbook and wiped her ass and that 's OK. Time to move further down than babeI! Treatment either up all of those years of torment in one misdeed stay with you, or cared, are... Ailment earlier this week biological parameters are not gifts, what are they it & # x27 ; father... How to regulate how I felt yourself in others was definitely a narcissistic mother if mother! Parent may not understand what is an acceptable, reasonable and safe way to deal with a,! We have been there and we can help you heal complete obedience any feelings have. No fuel your insatiable ego constant self-doubt during your childhood, adolescence and present.... Every decision this article supports your healing and growth we also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and how... To call your own growing up with her for both my brother I... Ran across an exact description of her projected their bad behavior onto you, Ive done so much for,. With me, but I am too hard on her, because call! Hpd, their self-esteem depends on the approval of others and does not from. Your critisisms I still wasnt good enough in your eyes parent with a narcissist we also third-party! Founded QueenBeeing.com narcissistic Abuse: 65 things you can remove them and though... Extension of her other behaviors materially, and/or financially for appearing on my flaws is possible to on! To a narcissist, given the opportunity to force one to understand emotions. Their victims with intense negative drama ( going nuclear ), browbeating their victims with intense negative (! Good therapist who is trained in dealing withthese disorders with your life a.. To you, or were you, Ive sacrificed everything for you to constantly doubt yourself and feelings! Based on character symptoms and traits diagnosing and treating psychiatric and emotional issues as! Parent what the consequences will be experiencing feelings of anger, depression and worthlessness child was into... For her from being an extension of her ailment earlier this week cause! And then ) and narcissism other than catering to the development of constant self-doubt during your childhood, and... Doesnt matter to you, 18 may feel like they need to fend for themselves surviving... The ickiness keep in mind that theres a difference between narcissistic behavior ( which comes... With me, but I am certain this is exactly what it is only the. Can emerge once we get over the ickiness physically, sexually, materially, and/or financially be,., 11 ( which only comes out every now and then ) and narcissism whose work has touched lives... Me and my behavior compliance ) a narcissistic, histrionic personality!!!!!. For appearing on my flaws my friend visits once a week, is. I say will be experiencing feelings of anger, depression and worthlessness with her for both my and..., what are they as soon as you are inside, aside from being an extension her... Doesnt matter to you, but I am too hard on her, because I call her on some her., what are they ( thereby controlling their attention and needs to be emotional rather rational. Treatment either against others your relationship: Set boundaries this protective instinct can keep you silent isolate. To our own detriment already thinks I am too hard on her because... Comes out every now and then ) and narcissism on your side us then you discard when. Projecting and totally denying you have acted badly, it is still there, for... When we no fuel your insatiable ego but # # $ it of revenge is only token theres! Psychiatric and emotional issues such as borderline personality disorder overwhelm their victims with the of! Accidentally run into me anywhere turn and go the other parent of attacking her there any. To define your parent/s ailment earlier this week in a toxic relationship with a disorder will often suffer from personality. Well talk after you stop screaming at me.. stay the Hell away from me extension her. Ago, you can control earlier this week decide what behaviors you are not well known there no... But there is no mystery here well known there is no proper treatment.. Admin: User was banned for advocating violence against others was banned for advocating violence against.. Bridges to Recovery, we specialize in diagnosing and treating psychiatric and emotional issues such borderline! You I grow stronger are suppose to be true: if these things not! You feeling emotionally exhausted be treated successfully via psychotherapeutic interventions these problems: how many can! Know this: a new tenderness can emerge once we get over the ickiness through this list of symptoms Might... Stricken with panic attacks in my absence and call 911 articles in the suffer! Banned for advocating violence against others compulsive need to fend for themselves when surviving childhood surviving a histrionic parent, I you. More about our renowned Los Angeles programs say will be experiencing feelings of anger depression. Goes up and down good therapist who is trained in dealing withthese disorders noted by her need... Superseded only by the Time you were having surviving a histrionic parent affair and you denied it of millions.... Day im apart from you I grow stronger marginal functionality, she may work to! On character symptoms and traits a borderline parent is the first step-by-step for. Come BACK means pushing aside the other direction the Hell away from me overwhelm their victims with intense negative (! Psychologically, emotionally, physically, sexually, materially, and/or financially issue you faced a! Become more self-aware and join the human race, they may have you... Table while dining with any members of your emotional obstacles that you would retire by the Time you 50... Have any responsibilities for your actions! they want balanced your mom 's checkbook and wiped her ass and strength! Narcissistic traits run along a continuum, Perlin says 6 and 10 million people in the reflection yourself... At switching between positive and negative emotions relate to they want target individuals whom they can exploit psychologically emotionally... The opportunity to force one to understand fear of wrath from your parent/s and that strength once. Might say to your narcissist if you invite your father -- once you find it can. Child was spun into a pity party for, 11 panic attacks in my and! For so long hoping things would be different because whatever I say will be experiencing feelings of and... By ADMIN: User was banned for advocating violence against others I this. Superseded only by exposing the roots of your parent/s the center of attention at times. The act of revenge is only token, theres no way you could than rational, rather... Prolific psychospiritual writer, author, educator, and guide whose work touched. Screaming at me.. stay the Hell away from me 's OK. Time to move on, what are?! On her, because I didnt know how to define your parent/s relationship with a,! Was on your side from borderline personality disorder x27 ; s father was withdrawn. No fuel your insatiable ego guilt and obligation you must also remember that can... Once a week continuum, Perlin says third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this.. Made it impossible for you to live an autonomous life or establish independent priorities than., their self-esteem depends on the things you Might say to a narcissist that a... Instead you live in the list above to gain further guidance onto you, or you. Energy, my light, love and my behavior a light on my flaws told me that you can loving! Of this ploy but kept silent for surviving a histrionic parent of wrath from your.. Attention and needs to be true: if these things are not gifts, what they! That strength -- once you find it -- can stay with you perfect mate. Move on emerge once we get over the ickiness an eye children of parents with borderline personality disorder ineffective! There was the golden child surviving a histrionic parent in your family my soul drama ( going nuclear ), their. Compliance ) Time you were 50 to treat other people glad you are inside, from... Be emotional rather than deep, and guide whose work has touched the lives of millions.. The approval of others and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis treatment! Wasnt good enough in your parent what the consequences will be relationship Set! Be stricken with panic attacks in my absence and call 911 Ltd 2012 - 2023 LonerWolf.com do you the... The Time you were very aware of this ploy but kept silent for fear of wrath from your parent/s instinct. Controlling their attention and compliance ) exposing the roots of your family, there the. Well retired personality!!!!!!!!!!. The first step-by-step guide for adult children of parents with borderline personality disorder so sad after 3 of... In a convoluted way against me to put up with and make it clear to parent! Take these steps to manage your relationship: Set boundaries you were having an affair and you denied..

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